In Memoriam
by Zaretia
Summary: Shinji x Female Protagonist. Written from Shinjiro's point of view, flashback narrative of the times he spent with her.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Written from Shinjiro's point of view. Will contain spoilers for the game.

_

* * *

Never would I have thought that I could fall this hard for somebody, much less the girl who was supposed to be our leader, and my junior. But I guess what they say is true, love truly is blind. Especially since, those feelings that I had… were returned._

At the hospital… That was where we first met.

The sliding door of the ward rumbled as it slid open to reveal the three Gekkoukan students who came to visit their senior. A tall, thin fellow clad in slightly loose-fitting uniform, and two girls; the one in pink he had seen before, but not the redhead. She was new.

_If only I knew then the joy she would bring to my life, and the sorrow I would bring to hers._

The new girl did not appear startled by my appearance, while the other two visibly recoiled when they saw me standing by the ward bed. "Um… Is Akihiko senpai… in this room? By any chance?" The tall guy looked nervous, but I didn't care, Aki would deal with them.

"I don't have time for this shit," I scoffed and stepped towards the door. On my way out, I stopped and looked at the new girl.

"You…"

There was something about her... I could not pin it down.

"Never mind…"

_I left, not knowing what fazed me back there. It was not until much later that I realized that… That feeling… That strange, unfamiliar sensation… That - was attraction._

_Seeing her again didn't seem remotely likely. Though as always, irony dictated that she should show up where I least expected her to._

Did the girl in pink just call them scum? Seriously? Those idiots. I looked over at the crowd ganging on the trio from the hospital. It's not my problem, I thought. But when the punk punched the other kid, I finally stood up and walked over. "That's enough. They didn't know what they were getting into, I'll make sure they leave. Alright?" But they really were a troublesome bunch.

"Who do you think you are, dumbass? You want some too!" Dumbass? I wouldn't take that. His fist came straight at my face, but I avoided it with ease and head-butted the prat, knocking him backwards. Then, I stood over the punk as he sat on his ass trying to figure out what hit him. He was pathetic. "Guh… Shit! You just crossed the line!" he shouted, "You think you're going home alive!"

Obviously, he doesn't know that I don't take well to being threatened. "… Wanna give it a try?"

"Uhh… Screw this!" he ran off. And so did his lackeys, though one of them did turn back and to taunt me.

"Damn you, Shinjiro… That's right… You're from Gekkou High too, aren't ya!"  
"You better grow eyes in the back of your head!"

I then turned to leave the scene, in case they came back, thinking those three idiots would have the sense to leave as well. However, one of them spoke up. "Oh man, Senpai. That was awesome!" That voice… Why did it sound so familiar? Curiosity made me turn back, and upon closer inspection, I realized…

"Hey, I remember you… You clowns were in Aki's room at the hospital. You idiots!" My first instinct was to berate them for stupidly turning up at the punk's hangout at this time of night. "Get outta here. This place isn't for you."

After saying my part, I turned to leave again. This would at least ensure they thought twice before coming back again. "Wait!" Damn… "We came here for a reason!"

Without turning back, I asked, "Did Aki tell you to come here?"

A strong, yet feminine voice replied, "No."

"… Hmph." I walked back to them and sat on the steps. Facing them, I asked, "What do you wanna know? About that ghost story?"

"Um, yeah… How'd you know?" That smart-mouthed girl in pink looked like the type dumb enough to come here. But he was surprised the others didn't have enough sense to talk her out of it. I filled them in all I knew regarding those rumors and the girl named Fuuka Yamagishi.  
"That's all I know… Satisfied?"

"Thank you very much." The bright-eyed redhead caught my eye and I swiftly lowered my gaze.  
"… I didn't do nothing."

_I could never go back, not after what happened… Or so I thought._

"Dammit, I'm tired of your nagging." Aki wouldn't stop following me…

"I'm sorry, but I won't take no for an answer." So annoying.

"Well the answer's still the same: I'm not coming back."

_Sometimes I still wonder if my decision to return was the right one._

"We saw someone die right before our eyes, too… But, it's been two years since then…" Aki didn't finish the sentence. And I didn't add to it, there was nothing to say. "How long do you plan to beat yourself up over it? You're always at that spot behind the station, even though you don't hang out with the crowd there."

…

"It doesn't matter. It was my fault, and it can't be erased." He wouldn't understand. "What difference does it make if I come to terms with it? It won't change anything." It was still my fault. I lost control. "This isn't the same as what happened to Miki." I killed her.

"Shinji…" He was always the sentimental one.

"That's enough, already. I just want to forget it ever happened." As if I ever could.

_It haunts me every day. It still does._

As I left, I felt Aki's glare piercing my back, but I had to keep going. If I looked back, all those efforts would be for nothing.

_Even as I look back on that time, I suppose I had no choice once he joined. He even brought her with him… I wonder if what I would have said if I knew how things would turn out between us. Ha…_

"You're getting on my nerves!" When will he get the message and leave me the hell alone!

"The situation has changed. Sorry, but this time, I'm not asking."

"What?" I didn't even manage to fully process the implications of what he said before he thrust a suitcase into my arms.  
"This belongs to you."

I grimaced, priming myself for a retort, when he said, "We have a new enemy. They're Persona-users, like us."

As if that would change my mind.  
"Ugh… Yeah. So what?"

"There's more. Ken Amada has joined our team."

_Many things changed for me that day. Most of which involved me returning to the life I turned my back against, something I swore never to return to. Perhaps, if I didn't, I could have spared her the suffering._

"So, you're the one leading the operations now, huh?" I looked her straight in the eyes, daring her to respond. She merely looked back. "If you don't mind me asking, what exactly are you fighting for?"

"I don't know."

…

Geez. "Is that so? Well, you do your thing; I'll do mine."  
I turned to Aki, "Is my room still vacant?"

"Yea."

"Sheesh… Another girl? First Mitsuru and now her…" She kinda looked like an airhead, but I wasn't going to say that in front of her. I mean, just look at her, smiling all brightly… Like a child. A cute child… Gah! What am I thinking?

"So what? She might be a girl, but she's one hell of a-"

"That ain't my point, numbskull. I'm saying you gotta keep an eye out for her. Honestly…" She's younger than me, too… I guess I'll just have to see for myself.

_Though I have to admit, it was kinda nice to be back. Fighting alongside Aki again. And… she was always there, supporting me._

"… the Original SEES Team." Mitsuru looked around them, and true enough, it was down to the three of us again.

Back then, Mitsuru recruited Aki out of nowhere, and I… I camped outside the dorm until she let me join him. If I didn't watch him, that idiot would only hurt himself. "Haha, yea… I only remember Aki charging ahead by himself." He often did. But now, he's changed. He follows orders. Not just anyone's orders. _Her_ orders. I wonder what their relationship is… He's gone soft, that's what happened. Huh, though I doubt he realizes, he really is a slow one.

Our leader was, in fact, an extraordinary fighter. She wielded the pole arm in such a way that maintained balance and accuracy, and fought with the skill and grace of a seasoned veteran. I could not help but admire her in combat. Although, occasionally she would give me strange outfits, insisting they were 'beneficial'…

_I would wear any outfit for her if she came back… to me…_

Thank goodness for Tartarus' dim lighting. This way, she won't be able to see me… I could feel my cheeks burning as she buttoned up my butler jacket, her cleavage showing slightly as she bent over in her maid outfit. "W-why… are you making me wear this?"

She flashed an innocent smile, which rendered me speechless for awhile. "Are you into this sort of thing!"

She gave me a quick nod.

…

"I mean…" I could feel blood rushing to my cheeks again. "T-that's fine and all, but…"  
Damn it, Shinji! Get a hold of yourself!  
"Can't you see how out of character this is for me!" He tugged at the tie with his free hand, as the other was wielding the Guillotine axe he favored so much.

_And then there were the times she would wear those… I hate to admit it, but I'd like to see it again._

It was like lingerie… Why would she wear something like that? How can _that_ be good for battle? It showed so much skin! She'd be too vulnerable! Oh crap! She's coming!

"Senpai...?"

I had to look away. I couldn't possibly look at her… when she's clad in… She's almost naked! I covered my mouth and looked anywhere but at her.

"What's wrong?"

What? I'll tell you what's wrong! "I get it if you have to wear that in battle… But just… don't go struttin' around other guys looking like that! Promise me!"

_Our feisty leader sure put us through a lot when we went to Tartarus, but she never let us down… Never… Unlike how I…_

Back at the dorm… It was strange to be back. It wasn't bad… Just strange. Usually, during the evenings, I would shower and go to the lounge for the news. Koromaru would be there too, it's always good to see him healthy, because it meant he was eating well.

_Normally, that's how I spent my evenings, until she approached me…_

"Want to go for a bite?"

I was taken aback. "… What, with me?" Her signature nod. "Okay… I don't know any fancy places, though." We left the dorm together, and I'm betting she didn't even notice the others watching us. She's a strange one, I thought.

Without noticing, I led her to Hagakure. I guess… it's kind of a reflex for me to come here these days. "Sorry for bringing you here. I don't know many places to go out to eat."

To my surprise, she replied, "I like this place."

I found myself smiling. "… You're an odd one. Ha ha…"

We sat down and ordered. "Watch the soup… It's ho-" When the food came, she dove into it right away, while I watched in awe for about ten seconds before starting on my own bowl, unable to wipe the stupid grin off my face. The noodles did it for me though… "Ow…"

"'Ow'?" she looked up at me, a string of noodle still clamped between her lips.

"… Forgot I had a cut in my mouth. It's 'cause Aki punched me." I held a palm to my cheek where it hurt. "Sheesh, that guys' gotta learn how frickin' heavy a boxing champ punches…" I winced as my tongue grazed the tender cut.

She looked up at me, concerned. "Were you two fighting?"

"Ha ha, hell no." Was that what she was thinking about? "… I gave him a little 'lecture' on how his fighting style's too reckless, and this is what I got in return. Well, we get in fights all the time. Just get used to it."

"All right."

"Yeah, thanks." Her face broke into a clear smile, and she turned back to her noodles. I laughed a little, thinking about how silly this would all sound to her…

"But man, you're actually younger than him..?"

…

"We're lucky that you're such a reliable leader." I looked at her fondly…

_At that time, I thought it was admiration that I felt._

"… Oww." I had no choice but to set the noodles aside for now. "That reminds me… I cut the inside of my mouth the first time he punched me, too. I couldn't eat for a while because of that."  
She looked unfazed, "When did this happen?"

"… We were kids. I forget why." Those were the days… "Ha ha…" Looking back at my noodles, a sigh escaped me, "This just ain't gonna work… I'll have to wait till it cools down."

_That marked the beginning of my relationship… with the girl who would become my first love._


	2. Chapter 2

_If she's in the hospital, and I don't see her… Does that mean… I can forget?_

"… Hey. How long have we been holding that Chidori girl…?" I asked her as she stepped through the dorm entrance.

"I forget."

I strode back to the counter and sat on the stool, thinking about the gothic girl in white, Chidori, who was held captive in the hospital. Then I thought about Jin… and Takaya. I didn't even notice her walk up to me.

"… Hm? What's up?" I looked up at her from where I sat, and she replied, "Wanna hang out?"

"… Well, I don't mind." The corner of my mouth twitched a little. I couldn't help feeling amused by this girl.

_She said so little, yet her eyes said so much. She seemed so vulnerable, but in reality, she was so strong. I thought she was going to be all right…_

We went to Wakatsu Restaurant at Iwatodai that evening, an hour before closing time. She brought me here after pestering me about my dining preferences. I really didn't care where we went.

_As long as I'm with you._

I was kinda surprised. "You eat here often?"

"Yes, I like eating here." We sat down.

"I see…" She knows how to take care of herself, I thought. "It'd be better if Aki ate here, too. That guy isn't getting a balanced intake of nutrients…" He's always eating cup ramen. Like that slob, Junpei. I let out a sigh thinking about the two of them eating the way they do while needing the energy to fight in Tartarus. "Oh yeah… About Aki… In your opinion, do you think he's fighting well?"

"He's doing… so-so." She had her elbows on the table and was resting her chin on her palm, all the while gazing at me with those eyes…

"I see… It's true that his persona is somewhat difficult to handle." I nodded thinking about his reckless fighting style and how it had nothing to do, really, with his persona. It was my own that was truly difficult to handle… I found that out the hard way.

"Sorry. I know you're the leader, and I keep stickin' my nose in." I didn't know how to put this into words… "It's not that I don't approve of you… That's just how I am." I paused, looking for a response, but she didn't provide one, so I continued on. "Aki and Mitsuru both seem more comfortable fighting than when I was around. Back then, we were just fumbling our way through… But your powers seem like they're helping out a lot, too."

"I'll do my best!" She got all hyped up after that, I think she almost knocked her bowl over.

I couldn't help smiling. She really was enthusiastic, even if she didn't know what she was fighting for. "Don't strain yourself too much. You're gonna have to face a lot of things soon…" I laughed a little, thinking about what was to come.

_I guess I wished that I could get to know her more before my time came. And yet, here she is… Before me. Hmpf… I really should be more careful what I wish for._

"… Eat up. It's gonna get cold." I prodded her bowl, while thinking aloud, "Is everyone eating a well balanced meal like this…?"

I went to the hospital the next day to visit Chidori to find Medea trying to strangle her. She was lucky I carried the pills with me… But that resulted in Aki finding out about them. The suppressants.

"Shinji, wait! Hey!"

He followed me all the way to Port Island station. After a short talk, he punched me. I guess I shouldn't have worried him so much. But he did not understand. He just didn't know what it felt like to harbor such… guilt.

_Even now, this guilt that haunts me still remains. It's not the same. But it sure hurts the same way, if not worse. Knowing what the pills would do, I alienated myself from others. But I let her become close to me, dear to me… And then I hurt her._

"This crossed my mind the last time we ate here… Those guys eat on their own, right? Well… Are they doing okay?"

"What do you mean, 'okay'…?" I guess that wasn't very well phrased.

"Your body's your most important tool. Still, all those guys ever eat is instant noodles and stuff like that." I sighed. When will they learn? Then something ironic came up. "… Well, Persona is supposedly the 'strength of the heart'… So I guess it might be better if they eat what makes them happy. But…"

"You're so kind-hearted."

Ha! Only she would say something like that. "… Don't be stupid."  
I leaned back on the restaurant chair and composed myself. "If you get the chance, let them know. Tell 'em they need to eat better. They won't listen if it comes from me. Especially Aki…" God knows I've tried. I guess it goes both ways, huh? Ha…

She nodded and pushed the baby carrots around her plate. I looked at her and slowly said, "… You are gonna eat those vegetables, right?" She looked like such a child, I wanted to pat her on the head and tell her she was a good kid for eating well. It must have been hard for her too… to grow up without parents.

_I thought, maybe… If I could, I could be something of an older brother to her. Someone she could rely on. If I could achieve that, then I'd be satisfied._

Is it normal to smile like that all the time? Why would she constantly walk toward me, then invite me out? She's strange.

"What do you want to do tonight?" she asked as she beamed at me. I swear, that beam should be used as an anti-depressant.

"Well then, let's…" I was just about to suggest we go to Chagall to get something, but then… I looked behind me, toward the kitchen, where a pungent aroma was wafting out. It was so horrible I could almost physically feel it. She, however, didn't seem fazed. I looked at her and asked, "Do you smell something?"

She wrinkled her nose, searching for the scent, and nodded. "Yea, there is something…" She looked past me at the kitchen where we started hearing clear sounds of movement and a strange sizzling.

"Is it coming from over by the counter?" We walked over and found Fuuka running out of the kitchen and closing the door behind her, just to open it again and take a quick peek inside. Then slam it shut when we approached. She looked guilty as hell.

"Hey… Are you causing this smell, Fuuka?"

She looked at us both, as though surprised to see us, and said "Huh! Does it smell1?"

Ugh… We entered the kitchen and saw the mess all around. "What're you doing?"

"Um… I was trying to make beef stroganoff…" She replied meekly.

Clearly, from the looks of the kitchen, she was not too well practiced, and I remained silent while I surveyed the surroundings and her progress… I then asked, "What about the roux?"

"Oh, I didn't use any! I made it from scratch with flour…" How can she be so… unabashed?

"Don't start acting all proud after you've burned it…" I looked over at the stove and winced.

Fuuka's gaze followed mine and she said, "Oh, you're right. This is burnt… What should I do…?"

How could she not notice that it's burnt? There's smoke coming out of it, and it's turning from brown to black by the second! I looked at Fuuka for a few seconds, puzzled by her inability to perceive whether the food has been burnt, whereas her persona senses shadows everywhere even when she doesn't physically see them. There was something fundamentally wrong here, but I chose not to dwell on it.

She looked so upset… I guess I have no choice. "You got any of those ingredients left?"

"Oh, yes." Her reply was immediate. "I bought extra of everything."

"… I'll make it. Watch and learn." Then I realized our leader was watching our exchange with that serene smile of hers. "You okay if we have this for dinner?"

Hey eyes squinted as she rewarded me with a wide grin and said, "Actually, I'm really happy!" She held both hands behind her back like a child and swayed forward a little, closer to me… I felt a strange warmth course through my body and laughed.

"Don't get your hopes up like that."

Fuuka looked at the both of us apologetically and said to her, "I-I'm sorry. Weren't you going to go out with Shinjiro-senpai…?"

Before they could get the girl-talk started, I cut in and said, "Hey, let's get started."

…

Fuuka was really… a hazard in the kitchen. She didn't use oil to cook anything, picked up vinegar instead of wine, and when she got hold of the wine, she poured in five times more than necessary. It's a wonder she hasn't died from food poisoning yet. But… She looked so helpless, and curse my soft head for not being able to resist anything that looks at me in that way.

"There's so much wrong here, I don't know where to begin…" I could hear our leader giggling away as she watched my expressions change with each sentence that came out of Fuuka's mouth. Fuuka gasped with disbelief at my statement, as though she had never heard someone put down her cooking before. I gotta admit, I felt a little bad. But just a little. "Don't start messing around with recipes until you've improved your basic cooking skills. Seriously, don't you feel bad for charring all this food?"

She surveyed the kitchen and took in the smell and sight of burnt food, and the full realization must have hit her then. "… I'm sorry." she said, and proceeded to clean things up while I gathered the ingredients I needed. While doing so, I instructed her step by step. "Now listen up. Prepare everything beforehand. Chop everything that needs to be chopped. Measure all your seasonings too. That way, you won't panic while you're cooking."

"Y-yes." Fuuka dropped the pan she was holding and scurried around the kitchen saying "Um, memo, memo…" as though a memo pad would appear from thin air at her summons. She finally appeared next to me while I was cutting the ingredients. Her face was still buried in the notepad as I tossed the onions into the pan and gave her verbal instructions, "… they taste better if they're cooked until they just start to get burned."

I experimentally shifted the onions around the pan as their color started to change and saw Fuuka still scribbling down everything I said. I sighed and turned to her. "Fuuka…" I took the notebook out of her hand gently and laid it down. "Put the notepad down and watch me." At that moment, I swear I felt a menacing aura from behind me. However, when I turned to look, she was sitting by the counter, smiling cheerily at us both… A little too cheerily…

Finally, we got things done, and hopefully, Fuuka at least learned how to _not_ burn things in the future. As I placed the dish on the counter, the girls' eyes seemed to sparkle.

"Wow, it looks so delicious…" Well, it did smell pretty good… I never cooked for anyone before. And being praised for it was new to me, so I didn't know how to properly react.

"… Just shut it and eat up before it gets cold."

"Chow time!" our silent watcher piped up and picked up her cutlery with glee.

"… Y-yeah." It only took two words from her… and that warmth came back. I watched her with anticipation as she took the first bite.

And the verdict was… "This is delicious."

"Uh…" I dropped my gaze to the ground.

"You're amazing, Shinjiro-senpai!" Fuuka's voice chimed in, so I looked up.

Huh? "I mean, anyone could do something like…"

"No, they can't! Please, teach me again! Promise!"

I couldn't even say no… After we finished eating, Fuuka insisted on washing up, so we left her to it and went to the deserted lounge. It seemed everyone had either gone out, or back to their rooms.

"'Please teach me again…' Huh. Looks like she made me promise without letting me say anything…" I almost forgot what it was like living with girls. Hah, it's not like I hated doing it or anything though… "Well… I guess I'll make something again later."

She gave me this really satisfied smile, and said, "Make enough for everybody."

"You mean, treat them all to a dinner? That's kind of pushing it…" That's not what I meant by 'something'. But then… that way, I can make sure the others get at least one good meal in them. "Well, you got a point. Maybe it'll be okay to do that once in a while…" I smiled. I mean, it wasn't like I really hated cooking for people. It was nice.

_I had so many first experiences with her… She pulled me out of my emotional recluse, and I opened up to her. And she led me to experience… so many things. _

Aki was looking particularly nostalgic that night. He had that look about him whenever he thought about the past. And he came back with her today, too… I wonder…

I was petting Koro in the lounge when she spotted me watching them enter. She waved at me, and I waved back. My eyes unconsciously followed her up the stairs, but Aki brought my attention back when he threw himself onto the space beside me. He looked at me silently, as though daring me to say something.

"Do you walk her home a lot?"

He seemed surprised by my question. But he said, "No." He seemed almost disappointed. "She sometimes comes to look for me after class, and we hang out a bit before coming home." That smile… He rarely smiled that way, even when Miki was around. Well, at least someone's making him happy. That… should make me happy… right?

But why does it hurt when I think about it? When I think about her…?

Damn it. This ain't right.

I shrugged it off and went to take my shower. As I left my room, I saw the one person who dominated my thoughts coming down the staircases. She caught sight of me and came running over.

"Shinjiro-senpai!" As she came closer, I saw a small stain near her lips.

"Hold it." I brushed it away with my thumb and said, "There."

Her cheeks reddened, and I laughed a bit nervously and said, "T-There was something… there…" I just couldn't look at her lips anymore, with her blushing like that. I cleared my throat and said, "There's someplace I wanna go today. You wanna come along?"

"I'd love to go."

"Great. Let's get moving."

We left the dorm together under the intense watchful eyes of our dorm-mates and headed to Paulownia Mall.

Inside Chagall Café…

"Uh… What do you want?" I felt a little out of place, sitting opposite of her in a café like this, especially since everyone around were couples.

"Melon soda." She closed the menu and looked at me expectantly.

I laughed, "You're like a kid." I ordered for us and watched the waiter leave before I started coughing. I hadn't been feeling too well recently… It wouldn't be too long from now… "Ngh…" I let out a resigned sigh and leaned back against my chair.

"Are you all right?" she asked, looking concerned. I felt kind of guilty making her worry like that. Even the smallest of things made her frown and fuss over anybody. She's just too nice that way.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's not contagious or anything, so don't worry." I gave her a wry smile, hoping she'd relax and not think too much about it. "… It happens once in a while. That's why I try not to come to these kinds of places that often."

She looked puzzled. "Is the café making you cough?"

"Ha ha…" She's so silly. "Hell, no… I feel bad for the workers here if there's someone like me sitting here coughing all the time." You too… "I came to buy something today… Ground coffee. I need to make sure I don't forget to buy some on the way out."

"Do you drink coffee at the dorm?"

"… If I have any left over." I didn't know why it made me embarrassed to say it… but… "I'm… going to use it for cooking." Hurriedly, I added, "Hey, you're the one who brought it up. You said that stuff about treating the guys from the dorm…"

"I'm looking forward to it." The waiter came with our drinks and she sipped at her soda like a little kid. I didn't know how to respond when she says things like these and acts that way…

"… I-Is that so?" I shifted awkwardly in my chair, hoping she wouldn't notice my restlessness. I actually came round to that idea the a few moments after she suggested it. "We'll do it once I decide on what I'm going to serve. Even if it tastes awful, you better be responsible and tell everyone it's great."

_I thought, with her by my side, I could do anything. Because she pushed me to… Because she gave me the courage._


End file.
